Moments of Realization

I was a good girl today.  And as a reward you sent me a text.  “I know it’s over, but I miss you. I miss your beautiful smile”. Sigh. I realize something now and it’s difficult to believe I didn’t see it sooner.

You know what sir, I miss you too. I miss the moments where YOU were wonderful, but sadly after 5 years I figured it out.  Honestly, that’s all they were…..moments. And I cannot live from Moment to Moment.

My love was not enough to mend the moments together into a continuous span of time. The “moments” became fewer, the time between them more frightening and to be honest I started to dread the moments as well as look forward to them because although I enjoyed the opportunity to bask in the sunlight of your smile I knew the power of your angry gaze was just around the corner.

I lived in fear between the moments. The spaces where you stormed around. The endless sulky silences. The verbal explosions accentuated by banging, stomping and throwing things. I hid. The kids hid and we waited for the grey spaces to pass, for the next in an increasingly less frequent moment to visit.

Do I miss you? Yes. I miss the moments of you. Do I miss the spaces in between? Do I miss the spaces where I wasn’t the mom, wife, or employee I could have been because I lived in fear? No. It’s sad my departure is the revelation for you that something needs to change.  Although, it is great you finally realized it, sometimes your window of opportunity is simply gone with no opportunity to fix it.

Love is love and it’s not always enough. I’ll love you till the day I die, but I will NOT be hostage in your spaces between your moments any longer.